Jedward For Eurovision

"How do you not smack them? I know all about annoying f****** brothers , but nobody comes close to them. What the f*** is happening to [music]? And what are those things on their heads?" - Liam Gallagher

They charmed their way into our hearts with off-key, long-forgotten cheesy melodies in front of thousands every night in the autumn of 2009. Their highly-gelled fringes were another talking point - was this look chic or cheap?  And who can forget the night they performed "Oops...I Did It Again" where they were clad in red PVC suits, gazing into each others eyes and declaring their undying love for each other, thus prompting gossip that the duo were a gay couple despite being siblings, and twins for that matter (A recent video of one half of the duo dancing to "Single Ladies" in a red catsuit has done nothing to dispel the rumours.)? Their "Oops...!" performance was so cringe worthy the Irish Tourism Board was forced to apologise for any embarrassment caused and offered deals on Irish holidays to the seething British public.

Yet love them or hate them, no one could deny the entertainment value of these posh Irish twins who talk if though they constantly confuse Lucan with Laguna Beach; no one could say that they were not the highlight of The X Factor Series Six. They were never going to win the competition, but we all knew that John and Edward Grimes, who would later be known as Jedward, would be famous long after the show, albeit mostly for being famous as opposed to being talented (let's be honest guys, they can't sing). Unfortunately, due to the excitement generated by by the duo during their tenure on the show, judge/mentor Louis Walsh was determined to find a Jedward clone for the next series, and the closest he got to achieving this goal was choosing Brazilian warbler Wagner, and if you thought that Jedward were annoying, choosing Wagner took not only the biscuit but the whole bakery, judging by his size!


Jedward are annoying and - I hate to say this - not very talented in terms of music (comedian Alan Carr described older brother John as a "naughty little s*** on his show Chatty Man). Yet despite disappointing record sales they have done so much better than past X Factor contestants from the Emerald Isle: Rocker Tabby Callaghan is yet to release his long-awaited album; the voting public still haven't forgiven Phillip Magee for his rendition of  "Johnny B Goode" during Series Two - the last thing we need is another Shakin' Stevens; the cute Eoghan Quigg failed to shift records despite his 'voting face'; The Conway Sisters, while talented and beautiful, were a tad dull, and even Shayne Ward (yes, he's Irish!) has been forgotten despite his performance on The X Factor last year...pity. But Jedward continue to annoy us...and boy do we love it!

The news that John & Edward have been shortlisted to represent Ireland at Eurovision 2011 came to me as no surprise. Granted, their entry "Lipstick" is hardly the best song on the list ( "Falling" is better), but then Ireland had a 'decent' song last year...and still failed to secure decent votes. In the last twenty years Eurovision has ceased to be a serious contest. Gone are the days of Johnny Logan; in its place is a camp fest of bloc voting i.e. Sweden, Norway, Denmark etc, and in the midst of the situation Jedward are the perfect candidates owing to their quintessentially European appearance and, of course, their ADHD performances which are more than appropriate for the show. The Irish public is quick to compare them with Dustin the Turkey; may I remind them that Jedward are actually human while Dustin is a puppet who probably didn't sing live. In addition, Jedward are an annoyingly cute duo who will definitely steal the hearts of girls all over Europe, just as they have already done in Ireland and the United Kingdom.  I should know - I went to the X Factor tour last year, and at least 75% of the girls there - including myself - had come for Jedward, and Jedward alone. John & Edward are also among the nicest people you will ever meet in the fickle world of show-business, and that is a rare thing.


Eurovision 2011 is not Big Brother 2010 - let us not "ignore the obvious" (remember that task?). So what if they cannot sing? Most people in the charts today are talentless and lack the charisma the twins have.  Let them represent Ireland at Eurovision, and if that fails, they should kiss their so-called music career goodbye and become children's television presenters. Ant 'n' Dec were singers after Biker Grove but later became Britain's most lovable Geordies, thanks to shows like SM:TV. Come to think of it, did anyone notice that during the twins first X Factor audition, Let's Get Ready to Rhumble was playing in the background? This could be a sign! Right lads, wrong profession...

Go Jedward, and good luck!