What's in a Name?

Last autumn at my workplace in Epsom, a Cameroonian colleague told me that she had never heard the name 'Jemma' before. When I told her matter-of-factly that Jemma was not my real forename, her first instinct was to stare as if I had committed murder. This led to creating a scene, accusing me of 'denying my name' and stating that I ought to be ashamed of myself. As if I had not gone through enough embarrassment already, she called all the other workers and told them that Jemma was not my name before alleging that I was denying the original moniker my parents had given me at birth thus suggesting that I was ashamed of being African. From the time work commenced to the moment we all went home, she was bent on broadcasting it; even on the train on the way home, in front of all those passengers she blurted it out to a friend of mine I had not seen since my college days. Although only a token number of people came to work that day, she might as well have told a million people because she really made me feel small ...and all for no reason.


For those of you who have not actually met me in the flesh, my real forename is 'Ijeoma', an African name which means 'Safe Journey', and I used it for a long time before I decided to remove the 'I' and the 'O' - the second 'M' was added later. Apparently, I had been given that name because I was born in the United Kingdom, far away from my native Nigeria. However, I have to make some corrections to those ridiculous claims: a) It was I who told that girl my real name, no-one else - would you call that denial? b) It was my late uncle who had given me the name, not my parents because in those days that was the custom (stupid custom!) c) I can confirm that I am not ashamed of being black (as a teenager I preached against skin bleaching, a crusade I follow to this day, and d) Loads of people regardless of what colour they are respond to shortened versions of their name, so do not talk to me about being ashamed.


The name 'Jemma' does indeed sound Westernised, but by using it as an alternative name does it make me less black? My sister also uses a shortened version of her name which sounds English, and believe it or not she speaks fluent Igbo and is married to a black guy. In Akwa Ibom, if any man responds to the name 'Hogan', chances are his real name is 'Okon' (the late champion boxer Hogan Bassey was born Okon Bassey Asuquo, and he was as Nigerian as they come). I wonder if that girl has told any Caucasian sunbathers that they should be ashamed of themselves for 'trying to be black'; I would love to be present if that incident occurs, and I shall just lie back and laugh when she get lynched - serves her right!


On the last series of The X Factor, a British/American rock vocalist auditioned under the name Storm Lee. Simon Cowell accused Lee of choosing a stupid name and refused to call him Storm. His fellow judges described Cowell's behaviour as rude, and quite rightly too. Lee claimed that he wanted a stronger name to reflect on the new character he had created for himself, and to be honest, the name suited him - he could sing; it's a pity he was given rubbish songs during the live shows. He had entered the contest as a singer, but because of Cowell, people only remember him as The Guy with the Weird Name. By the way Mr Cowell, the name you temporarily chose for yourself - Lightning - is even worse!

Last year, when I applied for Britain's Got Talent, I filled in the forms as Jemma C. Bond (I was unable to use Jemma Bond as it had already been taken) - the 'C' standing for the first letter in my original surname, which was just as well, because they would have been unable to pronounce a ten-letter tongue-twister! Apart from that, it would not have fitted into the restrictive world of opera. However, if I had been asked, I would have explained to them the mystery behind the 'C'...and taught them the proper pronunciation! Besides, there are tons of celebrities who use a different name in order to push themselves out there, for various reasons. Actor Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez is better known as Martin Sheen, and while he is proud of his Spanish/Irish ancestry, his stage name has opened several doors for him in the tough world of show business. Nevertheless, he refuses to change his name legally. I feel the same way about my name too - I refuse to change my name via deed poll, but the name Jemma is more me. If anyone has a problem with it, it's your problem, deal with it, and stop giving me worse press than a murderer.


By the way, to that girl who told those horrible vile lies about me, search yourself; if I decide to use a shortened version of my name, it's no worse than you tattooing your eyebrows on - why not use the ones God gave you? In case you haven't noticed, this is multi-cultural Britain; loads of people shorten their names for the benefit of those who are unable to pronounce them. You cannot tell me that people in Cameroon don't do the same, so shut your trap if you don't know what you're talking about.


As they say in the Aviva commercial, "Sometimes, a change of name is a chance to show the world who you've always wanted to be". My name is Bond. Jemma Bond, and I'm black and proud. And you can take that to the bank.

Love, Jemma

I Hate McDonald's!

Last week on my way to my local Argos in Croydon, I passed my former workplace, McDonald's (Croydon 2)  and bumped into a former colleague.  I was shocked to discover that despite her years of hard work, she was yet to be promoted, which I believed was unfair. I felt sorry for her, but I was also thanking God for delivering me from that place after five years of working like a slave, and with nothing to show for it.

This is not just a rant about myself. When you watch the McDonald's commercials, you see the workers smiling and acting happy. Unfortunately that is all it is - acting.  I am not a fan of rapper Afroman, but I agree with his claim that McDonald's is "modern-day slavery". Those bosses behind the Golden Arches believe that they are doing their workers a favour by employing them, but they forget that they are human, hence the impossible tasks such as sweeping outside in the rain, forcing them to come to work despite flood warnings on the news, and threatening to fire them if they refuse to work without their sweaters on, despite the lack of central heating. They complain if they believe your efforts do not meet their standards, and they yell if you try to put in more effort (I'll never forget the day when a manager screamed in my face and in front of the diners after asked her if I could do some more cleaning before my break). Speaking of breaks, the bosses often send  the workers to the staff-room five minutes after they start work; this is  to "keep the labour down" or so they say, especially when there are hardly any customers. After their break is over, the workers are expected to work eight hours non-stop when the place is packed to the brim. And what are they paid? Next to nothing. During my time there, I only received a pay-rise was when the minimum wage was increased - and even then, my pay increase was still minimum wage! If that is not slavery, I do not know what else is. In the eighties, their tagline was "At McDonald's we've got time for you", but they never have time for their employees, and the customers they pretend to have time for are served rubbish food. What a bunch of hypocrites.

According to the website mcspotlight.org, "the production-line system deskills the work itself: anybody can grill a hamburger, and cleaning toilets or smiling at customers needs no training. So there is no need to employ chefs or qualified staff - just anybody prepared to work for low wages". Agreed. Despite the cruelty of those bosses, they expect their workers to smile regardless, but how they expect slaves to smile is beyond me. I know, using the word 'slave' is harsh, but you need to work there to understand what we go through.

It's no longer news that McDonald's food is genetically modified, but I was unaware of this until I left that horrible place. According to a Facebook user from Australia, the milkshakes are thickened with pig fat which also gives them their suspiciously smooth texture (how many other restaurants make milkshake that creamy?), and it may be true. Forget their unsuccessful Salad Plus menu which was launched following the release of Supersize Me, every single thing served in McDonald's is unhealthy...and unhygienic - sometimes they would add more salt than required to the fries while sweating into them. Some of the green leaves used in salads and certain burgers are treated with chemicals in order to obtain the right colour and texture. Their food is basically fat, salt and chemicals, and they make millions out of it, yet they say that the company is broke. Rubbish! The only reason they are closing down restaurants is because they are situated in the wrong places. Go to the town centres - people pig out there everyday, wasting their money on tasteless junk with no nutritional value when they could make a healthy sandwich in their own kitchens. Shame.

What about the children? I feel sorry for them. Many children today are growing up not knowing the taste of a real tomato because they eat ketchup instead, I kid you not.  Years ago, on the Channel Four programme Jamie's School Dinners, celebrity chef Jamie Olivier was stunned when the children correctly linked the Golden Arches with the burger chain, but failed to name the vegetables Oliver displayed. At McDonald's, they are brainwashed with promotional toys which only last four months; these toys are courtesy of the so-called Happy Meals. Happy? Those children are growing, and require more than a sugary milkshake and fries. Unfortunately, due to the acquisition of those toys, they seldom ever finish their food, preferring to play with some useless gadget and a helium balloon. Who is to blame - the advertisers or the parents? Either way, it is true that the damage has been done, and children who do not dine at McDonald's in this day and age are 'weird'.

McDonald's is evil, McDonald's is the devil and the Golden Arches is the 666 of the catering industry. To my readers in the UK, if you want to taste a proper burger, go to any M&S that has a food hall. Yes, they cost a bit more, but  at least they taste real, and the fries are baked, as opposed to fried. Better yet, make a sandwich on brown bread with healthy fillings. Better yet, go veggie (I'm still trying on that last one!).

If you are thinking of working there or simply eating there, one word: don't. Before then, here are ten reasons not to go to McDonald's:

• The food is not real food - it's mere chemicals and fat
• The food stinks so bad, you need a shower when you get home
• The workers are actually slaves; eating there encourages modern-day slavery. SET THE SLAVES FREE!
• The burgers are full is Ecstasy and AIDS
• In some countries, the shakes are thickened with pig fat (seriously)
• The strawberry milkshakes are coloured with beetles (Google it)
• Ronald McDonald is a paedophile - parents you have been warned. By the way, how come we never see him eating the junk they serve there?
• The Happy Meals are actually Crappy Meals
• The customer care assistants serve the customers AND clean the toilets in the same uniform - and they are not allowed to wear aprons and gloves
• The bosses are either cruel, racist, fat or lazy - some are all four

Love, Jemma

PS -What are your thoughts? Send a comment my way!

Bed Intruder Song

Last week I was watching Rube Tube, a programme on Channel Four here in the UK which features unforgettable virals on the Internet. I first discovered YouTube in 2008 during my college days and I have since been hooked. There were so many interesting videos on the programme, although some were annoying and others were simply ridiculous; these included one made by a woman called Majela ZeZe Diamond which was so lewd,  I am unable to post it on my blog. I will say though, that it has something to do with female anatomy. I am ashamed that the woman is from Nigeria, and I shudder to think about what will happen to her when she visits her homeland, because Nigerians are very conservative. Oh well...

What really caught my attention, however, was a viral which was originally an local news interview with  project resident Antoine Dodson, whose sister had been attacked by a rapist. Had Dodson not intervened, it would have been a different story, but luckily his sister escaped unhurt. Despite the graphic nature of the incident, Dodson managed to turn the situation into a moment of humour when he used his rather flamboyant style to tell amused viewers "Well obviously, we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. He's climbing in your windows, he's snatching your people up trying to rape them, so you need to hide your kids, hide your wives, and hide your husbands [because] they're raping everybody out here" (as a former rape victim himself, Dodson knew what he was talking about when he encouraged people to conceal their men). The video soon became a YouTube sensation, earning Dodson instant fame worldwide.



The viral soon caught the attention of music quartet The Gregory Brothers, who were best known for auto tuning famous political speeches. With the help of their computer and the addition of a catchy melody, the TV rant, re-named the "Bed Intruder Song", became a hit on iTunes and reached cult status in America and Australia, eventually spawning countless parodies and turning Dodson into an even bigger star. The proceeds from the song were split between The Gregorys and Dodson, who reportedly  saved enough money to move his family out of the projects. I heard this song two days after watching that episode of Rude Tube and now regret it because it is too catchy, and I am supposed to be studying! Here's the very song below...

...and here are the best parodies - and the bizzare...



Jokes apart, rape is a serious matter. The song has a serious message, but has it now lost its meaning? There are parodies with children singing the lyrics; that is what our world has come to - children singing about rape. That is wrong. Children should be children, and should not be allowed to sing about such  issues. Having said that, there are so many weirdos who prowl after innocent children.  Should this song be used to teach children about sexual abuse? What about the rapist - what happened to him? Dodson said they will find him, but to date that is yet to happen. As this song is so infectious, the rapist probably sings it in the shower while planning his next attack.

To the rapist,  I hope that they do find you, and that they throw you in jail and throw away the key so you rot for 100 years - that would teach all rapists and pedophiles out there because these days rapist have it easy. That is what I like about the ancient Chinese - if they caught you raping anyone, they cut it off...and I am not talking about their heads. Seriously, there's no justice in this world.

That's all for now. Until then, hide your kids, hide your wives, hide your husbands. If possible hide your goldfish because they're raping everything out there.

Jemma

Gerry Rafferty

My heart goes out to the family of singer/songwriter Gerry Rafferty who died last week. He was best remembered for the song "Baker Street", one of my favourite songs of all time. You may be gone, but you left us with some great music. Rest in peace. Love, Jemma

Peter Andre and Elen Rivas

I am not a fan of Peter Andre's music, although I liked the song "Mysterious Girl" back in the day. After he bared his ridiculously fit abs in the video, he disappeared from the limelight to 'discover' himself afer his record company dropped him due to disappointing record sales, only to resurface in 2004 when he took part in I'm a Celebrity -Get me out of Here! Who knew that he would eventually marry glamour model, legendary bad-girl and fellow contestant Jordan? For years they were the perfect couple...or so it seemed. I remember watching a promo for their reality show on ITV2; in one episode Jordan was heard telling her gorgeous husband, "I’m the one making money Pete, so [of course] I can have it how I want...[it] hurts, doesn't it?...you're a old f***ing singer no one knows about". Such a shame, because Pete seemed to be a nice guy.


I support women working to the best of their potential and raking it all in if they can, but rubbing it in their husband's face is too harsh, especially if the husband is not earning much. Had it not been cancelled, Pete would still be presenting The Five O'Clock Show to this day - and he was really good at it. That aside, if he had been a lazy husband with no source of income, I would have understood Jordan's rant, but this is Peter Andre, a hard-working singer (granted, his songs don't stay in the charts for long, but at least he has a career, unlike Matt Peacock, a former boyfriend of Jordan who went on to marry her rival Jodie Marsh), and a devoted step-father to Jordan's disabled son Harvey - how many women are that lucky? Peter later told an interviewer: "I'm not jealous of anybody until Katie's drunk...but if she's been drinking, I know she's capable of anything. The devil gets inside her and she's a nightmare". Drinking may be a huge part of British culture, but Jordan should remember that she is a mother, and a mother should be an example. I'm not saying Jordan is a bad mother because she isn't, but there should be certain habits you have to let go of, and if you are a married woman, you should not behave like a single girl. Peter was only in the marriage for the love, which was why he signed a pre-nuptial ("I don't want anything from her apart from love") - good for you Peter. The pair are now divorced, and Jordan has reportedly said that she wants him back, even though she married cage-fighter Alex Reid less than six months after splitting from Peter. The old adage is true - you never know a good thing until it's gone.

Elen Rivas was a beautiful Spanish girl who caught the heart of Premiership football player Frank Lampard while working as a waitress in a cocktail bar (Sound familiar?). After pursuing her for days she eventually decided to go out on a date with him; that date turned into a relationship which produced two daughters and turned Elen into one of the country's most famous WAG's, although she did give up a career in modelling because Frank reportedly disapproved. During this time there were rumours of Frank's infidelity with groupies, and Elen repeatedly forgave him. However, the upcoming nuptials were never to be - the couple split in 2009, with Elen moving out of the family home with her two daughters and into a modest flat with no source of income, while Frank turned their mansion into a bachelor pad and was photographed by the paparazzi with his new girlfriend. I've been in a similar situation in the past so I know how that feels, but think about how tough it is when you are in the public eye. I agree with Elen, Frank is heartless. As she was not married to Frank she had no legal rights, which meant she could not keep the house. Elen has tried to re-invent herself (she was on Dancing on Ice recently)but she will probably always be best remembered as Frank's ex.


If the rumours are true, Peter Andre and Elen Rivas are dating, and I think that's excellent news. Apart from  being broken-hearted and the fact that Peter prefers exotic women, they are both career equals (I think), equally good-looking (so annoying!), and share common interests. Both of them appear to be taking their time to get to know each other, which is essential as they both have children, so you can hardly call their union a rebound. I don't care if the two of them share the same agent, can't the two of them fall in love without the public shouting "Publicity!"? However, they need to be truthful to each other and never lie to each other - Elen made that mistake when she failed to inform Frank that she had been married in the past. They should now focus completely on the here and now without being bound or chained to the past, so they can enjoy the future. It is still early days, but I can see a future for these two. The whole thing proves that no matter what happens, there is always someone somewhere waiting for us. If the rumours are just rumours, what are you waiting for, Pete? Ask Elen out!


I read somewhere that Elen is often hard on herself because she believes that she is too old to be starting a career. Elen, if you're reading this, today is the begining of your life - you are never too old. All you need is courage, a good support system, passion and drive. Whatever you decide to do, keep on keeping on and you'll be fine.


And by the way, I read somewhere that many years ago, Frank Lampard was interested in Jordan, but she was dating Dwight York at the time. If Jordan and Frank should ever split from their respective partners, the two of them deserve each other!


Stay blessed.
Jemma